It’s Not Fair!

I don’t recall them ever saying it in unison, but each of my parents, at one time or another, had the exact same reply whenever I bemoaned a decision with “It’s not fair!”

1. “Who ever said life was supposed to be fair?” was the rehearsed standard. Yes, it was as if they’d held a planning conference some time in the past and agreed upon that particular response.
2. Mother had another one that I found especially odious. How often did I ask (in advance) if I could go somewhere or participate in some event, and Mother would say, “I’ll think about it….” But she never did. Instead, she left me hanging, waiting until the very moment when I needed to prepare to go and say, “Well, it’s too late to make plans for that now.”
3. Here’s the third parental argument for “That’s not fair! ALL of my friends get to go!” Dad would ask, “If all of your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it, too?” Honestly, I had the give that some thought because I’d never SEEN the Brooklyn Bridge and had no idea of its height or expanse. So, he would modify with, “If all of your friends did it, would you jump out of a tall building?” Again, he had actually instructed me to break the bedroom window, climb out onto the carport roof, and jump off in case of fire because it was better to suffer a broken arm or leg than to be burned to death. Also, he didn’t know about my penchant for jumping off the garage roof on a dare…. So, then he’d have to pivot to, “Would you jump off a tall cliff if all your friends did?”

That one would be the final shot in the qualifying duel.

Those three parental comebacks were on a par with Ralphie asking Santa (or his parents) for the Red Ryder BB Gun and being told, “You’ll shoot your eye out!” Any of those were automatic kill shots without allowance for a debate on potential benefits or fairness. To be honest, Mother “thought about” letting me do stuff (instead of a straight up or down yes/no) to the extreme point of permanently damaging our relationship. But that’s an unpleasant story that we won’t go into, here.

Those were youthful expectations and frustrations. We are adults, now and understand that a momentary judgment of “fairness” cannot be the foundation of an individual’s life, or society in general. We can always debate what is and what isn’t “fair.” For example, I went to the grocery store with $20.00 in my pocket. I was looking at the fried chicken when the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted anything.

I answered, “Yes! I want bacon and chocolate and lemon meringue pie, but I have to get vegetables, dog food, and eggs.”

How fair is that? As they say, “Life without bacon… why bother?”

If it were up to me, breakfast would be cinnamon buns or a stack of pancakes with syrup, washed down with a cup of coffee with Ready Whip and a glass of cranberry juice. Lunch would be raisin bread toast with melted peanut butter, and a cup of steaming Swiss Miss chocolate. Dinner would be a bag of Tostitos, a tall icy glass of Coca Cola, followed by ¼ of a cherry pie. The healthiest part of that menu is probably the Ready Whip because it claims to be real whipped cream! If it were up to me, I’d be a professional student, following every tangent of learning down every path and rabbit hole while other people cleaned up after me and fed me.

I’m an adult! It’s not fair that I can’t live that way! It’s not fair that I can’t spend my money on a new car, cable TV, unlimited movies, and nights hanging out at a bar listening to a live band and drinking alcoholic beverages with friends. Instead, I have to make mortgage payments, keep the H-VAC working, and the propane tank full. I must keep the lights on, pay taxes, insurance, telephone, Internet, groceries, and I must somehow keep at least one of my 20+ year old vehicles road-worthy at all times. It’s not fair! I want to play! I want to travel!

People ask, if you could relive one moment, what would it be? If you could dine with one person, living or dead, who would it be? If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

I stopped asking those stupid questions decades ago. In fairness and in truth, we cannot turn back the clock. We cannot change our gender or our history. We cannot choose different parents. We cannot change the idiotic choices we made in the past, and we cannot bring anyone back from the dead.

Fair or not, we can move in only one direction, forward. Did I major in the wrong thing in college? Probably. So, start studying something else TODAY. It doesn’t matter how old you are. If you are alive and cognizant, you should still be learning. You might die tomorrow, but you might live another 50 years, benefitting everyone with all that newly acquired knowledge. Prepare for the latter, not the former! Had I married differently, what would have become of my wonderful children and grandchildren? Had I not reluctantly moved to the town I did, I would not have met the people I did, would not have grown from those experiences, and Heaven knows what I’d be doing now, if anything. Had I not suffered embarrassment, failure, and extended hardships, would I have learned humility, tenacity, and other graces?

It’s not fair! I grew up shy and missed opportunities because of how I responded or failed to respond to the people around me. It’s not fair that I had intelligence and talent but was overlooked for others who better knew how to draw attention to themselves or to effectively negotiate. It’s not fair that others were prettier, wealthier, had dance lessons, and learned to play the harp.

Really? Drop the “It’s not fair” and start counting the blessings, the trials and tribulations that helped us to grow stronger, more innovative, and more empathetic, if not richer. It’s not fair that religion and civil rules seem to be not inclusive enough. It’s not fair that some seem favored over others. But, as long as we live, we can strive for better modifications, better relationships, or learn to understand why we are constrained.

The bottom line is simply this. Fairness is not the measure. Having an understood and shared moral compass is what establishes civilization, what separates us from a spiritual wilderness, from total insanity, where no one can thrive.

Remember the old saying: “I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet.” Bloom where you are planted. The other choice is to wither and die there. Life is a series of decisions, each leading to the next. That’s about as fair as it gets. Embrace it!