Winning Over People

We often hear people claiming to be “winning over” someone to Christ, some random idea, or just winning over someone’s heart to be a lover, or for personal acceptance. There are many reasons a person might want to win over someone, but is that always best?

Something I have learned is that when you stretch too far to win over someone, you risk snapping your own elastic.

Each of us has different gifts to share. Some of those gifts are more easily recognized and appreciated than others, at least in the short term. The neighbor who shows up at your door with a casserole when you are overwhelmed with sorrows or burdens is bringing a real and measurable gift. She is feeding your body while you wrestle within your soul. This is good, even if her efforts are put into something that you cannot or would not choose to ingest. You recognize the effort and expense of time and money she put into the preparation and delivery.

There are those wonderful people who remember every birthday and anniversary, who make it a point to mail out those kind and loving cards, letting you know that you are important to them, even if in a smallish way. That is also a true gift.

Some people are happy to throw you a celebration party for almost any occasion. Others take you out for an enjoyable afternoon or a meal, and they won’t let you pay your share. And then, there is the person who just calls you out of the blue to see how you are doing. All good.

I have occasionally thought of someone I’d like to “win over,” a difficult partner, in-laws, business associates, potential customers, even local voters. But I am not the person who is going to show up at your door with a plate of brownies or a steaming hot meal. You might make a show of thanking me, but I am nobody’s cook, certainly no one’s baker. I have trouble remembering birthdays and anniversaries. Even if I write them on the calendar, I might forget to flip the page for a couple of months. I have bought “Daytimers,” but at the end of the year, they’ve barely been cracked open; just money down the drain. People don’t believe me when I tell them I am shy because I have learned how to “work the room” at a necessary function, uncomfortable as that is for me. I don’t even like making phone calls and I’d practically rather contract Bubonic Plague than make a cold call. So, reaching out to people other than super close friends in that way is also not my talent or gift.

All in all, my own conscience has made me feel pretty thoughtless in comparison to those lovely people. Honestly, I feel guilty accepting their generosity. And I’d rather receive no gifts than to have to write that dreaded “Thankyou Note,” where I never know what to say after I’ve said, “Thanks!” I’m not good at small talk and I know that when I get going, many people get overwhelmed and start seeking an out before I get to my point.

I’ve spent years and years trying to win over a former spouse who had no clue what it was costing me to continually stretch to his needs without reciprocity. The gifts I have to give are not always recognized as so by those to whom I try to give them. My gifts are ideas expressed in images and words, questions to delve into and ponder. I invite people to travel with me in the mind. Being not particularly good at feeding the body, I try to feed the soul. But it is exhausting and futile to try to engage someone in conversation when all they want to know is “What is your favorite recipe?” or “Who do you know of importance that you can introduce me to?”

So, I am not the brilliant socialite at the bar or the Holly Golightly of parties. I’m not going to pepper you with false compliments to feed your ego, and I don’t expect you to do that to me, either. I’m the person in the corner asking the hard questions, the one looking for someone in the room with whom I can bond, at least have a meaningful conversation. Having found no one like that, I’m the one who has finished a drink and a half and is ready to go home to a good book or an evening of painting or writing. I’m done.

Oh, but when I find that person who challenges me, who introduces me to a facet I’d not considered before, or a worthy debate, we have gifted each other. We’ve created a bright space within a dark void. Maybe we’ve initiated a provocative and wonderful solution to expand and spread to others.

My advice is simple, if you have the talent of cooking and remembering special dates and love to write cheerful notes, and that is how you win people over and find a place in their hearts, that is absolutely wonderful and commendable. Keep doing it as long as it also makes you feel fulfilled! But if you are not that person, do not turn yourself into a pretzel trying to please others to win them over. Not everyone is going to like you, no matter how hard you try. Instead of molding yourself to someone else’s mercurial needs, stand apart and attract to yourself those people with whom you can naturally connect. The gift you give the world may result from the collaborations that grow from genuine connections. They might be more subtle, but they might also have deeper and more lasting effects. Without scorning others, let your gifts fall into the hands of those who appreciate them.